Thought of You
by IronAmerica
Summary: Neville doesn't feel guilty. It'll pass soon. It always does.


It's a new story. A little bit of introspection on Major Neville's part.

Un-beta'ed, so quibble away.

- o – o -

Thought of You

Major Neville doesn't feel guilty as he hands Matheson over to one of his interrogators, a sadistic thug named Strausser. That twinge in his gut is just nerves over seeing Julia for the first time in well over a year. It's not because of the betrayed look on Da…_Matheson's_ face as he walks away. It never is, because he _doesn't_ feel guilty.

Worry about his son is what keeps him up at night, pacing around the living room of the home he shares with his wife in Philadelphia. Jason has been gone for months, looking for Miles Matheson. It's not imagining another boy's tear-stained face, pleading for a rescue, that's keeping him up. Tom knows what Miles is capable of; _that's_ why he's up at all hours, studying the last picture he was ever able to take of his son. (He _doesn't_ spend the time wondering if Rachel Matheson, who is also a prisoner in what used to be Independence Hall, took pictures of her son, pictures that she might still have. If she does, Monroe probably had them framed and put somewhere she'd have to see them every day.)

When he kisses his wife, Neville doesn't think about a boy who begged for one thing in Noblesville. His wife tastes like apples and good wine from before the Collapse. He doesn't let himself remember that Danny—_Matheson, not Danny_—tasted like strawberries and the promise of summertime. When he holds his wife later that night, he doesn't remember how holding Matheson, for those few precious minutes, feels exactly the same.

Neville doesn't feel guilty, convinces himself that the reason he can't eat is because the last letter he had from Jason only had "Look after mom for me" written on it. He knows it's not because he's heard gossip from one of Strausser's underlings about how Monroe's newest approved tactic is breaking Danny by withholding food, or by torturing him with the promise of something to eat, _if Rachel would just talk_.

When Julia laughs and pulls him out of the house instead of letting him mope over paperwork (something the collapse hadn't managed to get rid of), he tells himself he's _glad_ about the torture Danny is going through. Neville tells himself he's not forcing the laugh or smiles or jokes about how eager the Matheson boy is. He tells himself that it doesn't really bother him that his men—men he's trained, and trusted, and protected—are taking such great glee in the fact that the guard who is supposed to be protecting Danny is so easy to bribe.

Julia doesn't understand why he paces around their bedroom at night, muttering lists of supplies—mostly medical—under his breath. She believes him when he says he's figuring out a supply requisition for the next journey outside the Republic's safehold. Rebel attacks are increasing, and increasingly bold. He's not trying to figure out just how many bandages, or medicines, or salves he'll need if he could just somehow rescue Danny, because he doesn't care. His men need it more.

As he walks into Independence Hall after weeks of sleepless nights, of weeks waking up to hear Danny sobbing and begging for Neville to rescue him, Neville tells himself that he doesn't feel guilty. He's not worried about the fact that the Monroe Republic is condoning the rape and torture of an innocent boy, simply to break a woman who doesn't care about him.

Neville tells himself that the uneasy feeling he has when he gets close to Monroe is because he hasn't been sleeping well. He feels ill because he hasn't eaten properly in weeks (Danny's starved, thin, pinched face staring at him with wide blue eyes isn't the reason). He's nervous because President Monroe has always been the target of assassination attempts, and he, Neville, has to be alert and on-guard to protect the man.

His sharp intake of breath when he sees Danny tied to the chair in the room Rachel Matheson is being held in isn't because of the boy's state. It's because of the smell. It's because the room smells like a sharp, powerful antiseptic. It's not because Danny's giving him a look of utter despair, begging him silently with those cornflower blue eyes to rescue him.

Neville knows he doesn't feel guilty when he watches Strausser, with all the bored disinterest he can muster, pry Danny's mouth open and reach in with a pair of rusting pliers. The whimper of pain he hears from the boy he _doesn't_ care about is only in his imagination. He's only imagining the defeated slump to Danny's shoulders as he walks away, doesn't look back because he doesn't care about a prisoner who's going to die soon anyways.

Except…

Neville feels guilty. And it's eating away at him little by little.

- o – o -

So, what did you think? Good? Bad? Does Neville need to admit the truth to himself before it kills someone? Drop a line and let me know.

Edit 10/27/2012: Neville's rank and some information has been changed to reflect Monday night's episode. Information from a new preview.


End file.
